After taking Olivia to school I spent the rest of the morning throwing up. I am shattered, my lower bump hurts and my pelvis aches............ and I am only 11 weeks.
I am going to make a doctors appointment this week as I'm wondering if my thyroid levels are right because I have been feeling really low.
I have been looking at baby clothes already and taking into consideration that they may be quite small (around the 5lb mark) Olivia was 6.8lb at 39 weeks and Charlotte was only 6lb at 37 weeks and only being 5'5 myself it's quite likely they will.
The clothes are tiny, although 'cute' it's quite scary to think at how small they could be!
I'm most certainly going to breastfeed them, to me there is no other way of feeding. It dawned on me that if they came earlier than 34 weeks and don't have a good sucking reflex (and I am struggling to express) I will need to source donor milk as it's quite likely the hospitals supply is going to be short. But I will be asking this when I first see the consultant. Also a standard practice is to use fortifiers in the human milk and that donor milk in hospitals is pasteurised, again I need to research my options on this (info found in link below).
I really do not want them having formula. My main reason for this is their 'virgin gut' being compromised and obviously nutritionally breast milk is far better for premature babies as well as preventing infections etc.
So my mind is boggled at the moment with this but I guess there's no point thinking about it too much until I see the consultant and their 'policy'.
I am still feeling quite overwhelmed about going through a twin pregnancy, because of my feelings on birth and feeding are not of the countries 'norm' I really feel this will be a huge test of my beliefs and realising how challenging this will be for me mentally.
Is having such strong views going to hinder my judgement during important times? I am in a state of self doubt about how I feel about things.
Having also come to the conclusion (after much research!) that I am no longer going to have my children vaccinated (these babies will be vaccine free) am I throwing myself into fire? With this on top of the decisions I am possibly going to have to face and fight with wanting a home birth, making sure the babies receive breastmilk and co sleeping, am I just creating more problems and stress?
Although I say I have self doubt, I do really believe this is right.
I guess our beliefs have to be challenged sometimes in order to gain strength and knowledge on the decisions we make.
Being the minority during times like this make me feel alone and like I am some lunatic doo lally parent.
But then I slap my face and think well hang on one darn minute! How many long hours have I spent researching, experiencing and learning? I have spent countless hours and time making sure that I am looking and reading the right things and that they felt true to my feelings on the subject and backed up, speaking to other parents and investigating as much as I can so I feel informed and educated enough to go against the grain. As much as I never felt I was doing it with that purpose (but it's what I have done) I always had/have the girls best interest at heart and following my instincts lead me on this path.
I do know that I am not really alone, there are thousands of parents and families who think the same way and live in a similar way, this gives me comfort that in fact I am not a lunatic doo lally parent, I just parent differently.
Ooo haven't I gone on there?!
As you can see I have millions of things wizzing round in my mind and I guess it helps to write it down!
Here are some bump pictures taken today
11 weeks exactly
Not much more to add to this today, but will likely update during the week if I manage to see the doctor and with any other goings on here :)
Natasha x
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